Emotion

More and more everyday this one lesson becomes more vivid in my mental screen. Life is more intangible than tangible; more invisible than visible. This irks me a bit, because it then follows that if life is more invisible, we as people loose a substantial amount of control. Control fundamentally in terms of choosing and ordering how the events of our lives unfold. All then that we are left with are mere sayings like, "life is unpredictable". I wonder if it's supposed to be fun for us, if it's supposed to be some swell adventure.

One of the invisible aspects of life is emotion, which is probably one of the most dangerous aspects there ever could be. "It wrecks so much havoc"they say, so best you keep it under control. Better not loose yourself to it, it can cause so much trouble if not guarded. But I wonder, what harm could come from treading that fine line? Just enough to get your point across without doing any real harm. What happens when you let that mountain erupt into volcanic bliss? They say don't let the rivers accumulate into a vast sea, lest you lose your way to the shore. But I just wonder. What would happen, if just once, you dared to cross that invisible thin line; if you defied all rules that have been set and boldly stepped over all the boundaries. I wonder....

Random thoughts

I long for the day when the words I love reading and writing about will spring forth and breathe life into me, rather than just leaving beautiful patterns on white paper.....

Heartbreak warfare

The sky's grey today, and again I thought of you. There are days like this one, were I find myself wondering and wandering into little trails of the past. It's usually about the simple things really. Where are you? Have you eaten? do you have new friends? do you ever wonder where I am? if I've eaten? if I've made new friends?

I imagine how hard it must've been for you. Or am I being too conceited? elevating the importance of my presence in your life? Either way, if I do choose to believe that I meant much to you, then I understand how things could've been hard on your side. But why were they hard for me as well? I ended things, I ended us. US meaning the times we would stay up all night talking about our future lives. How we would be on talk shows together, standing tall and bright like the confident women of substance we would have become. US meaning the sleepovers we would have at your house doing nothing, except dreaming and fantasizing over movies. US meaning heartbreak warfare.... Do u still remember? Because I do now, so vividly. How you introduced me to John Mayer, to U2, to Lauryn hill.

Now every time I walk on that endless road, passing by the house Bessie head used to live in, then the farm with that old cottage house, I remember. The dreams, the walks, the aspirations of two naïve girls with too much heart. That is the us I ended. So why should things be hard for me too? why should I still be conflicted? why should I still miss you? And what does missing you mean?
Truth is, I thought I would find someone like you. I guess I thought there was more of you stored some place out there somewhere. But there isn't, I know that now. See now, now I miss you and what makes it even more hard to keep walking away, not to look back, is the fact that I know I'm never gonna find someone who got me as much as you did, who cared as much as you did.

 I plan on going back to that book store we used to go to, and I'm going to buy that book I always wanted. And I hope with every page I turn, I will always think of you. It will be a memento to our lost friendship. This here note is a memento to our lost friendship. I miss you, terribly, hopelessly, whole-heartedly, miserably my friend......